No Body Knows It But Me
by Stelena-Beautiful
Summary: No body knows how much they are suffering without each other ... A JoLu A to Z drabble series.
1. A-D

_**Circa early 2010**_

**All We'd Ever Need**

She still remembers when all they ever needed was each other. When it was just Johnny and Lulu against the world, against the forces; against the people and the elements who tried to destroy them, before they tried to destroy each other.

Now it was Johnny. And it was Lulu. And it was Lulu and Dante. And it was Johnny and whoever happened to be keeping his bed warm right then. It wasn't them anymore; they weren't apart of each other anymore. Or at least that's what she told herself, that she didn't need him anymore. That she didn't miss him anymore. She knew he felt nothing for her now that he had someone else in his life and she should have been okay with it. Her life was in a good place; she told herself she was happy. That she was complete but she knew better.

It was in the quiet moments like these when she was lying in the lonely, empty apartment; Maxie was off with Spinelli; and she was curled up in Johnny's tee-shirt and the rain was pounding on the window in a haunting melody that she missed him the most. Missed the scent of his skin and the feel of his nimble fingers brushing her bare back. The touch of his warm lips pressed to hers and his hands running through her thick hair...

She missed everything about him and she would never forget that once upon a time all they had needed was each other...

000

**Back Together**

There were so many times he wondered what it would be like to get back together with her. If she would even accept him back at this point. If there were enough words or kisses or caresses that could erase all the pain he had seen in her eyes the day he walked out on her over a year ago. He didn't believe there was but that didn't stop him from missing her.

He wasn't with Olivia anymore but he realized now that there had been so many occasions when he had his arms wrapped around her that he had really been missing the one he had no right to miss; the one he had callously tossed aside. He had even sometimes found himself wishing that Olivia's eyes were that sparkly, impossible-to-exactly-label shade of brown and wishing that her hair was instead a bright flaxen blonde. But then he had eventually realized that she could resemble Lulu in every way and never actually _be_ Lulu Spencer. Never be the one who truly captured his heart the first time he saw her as he was driving along the lonely stretch of highway outside Port Charles, New York. He hadn't expected his life to change that day but it had. Forever.

All the country songs and romantic clichés that existed in the world said that you never forgot your first love but he was damned if he didn't try. He would go out of his way to avoid running into her; if he saw her, he walked the other way, especially when she was with Dante. The son of his former lover. It was like some twisted, Shakespearian web of tragedy and the saddest thing was that he knew he could have made it right along time ago if he had just been willing to swallow his pride.

Now that he was ready to go after what he truly wanted; what he had always wanted, she had moved on. She wasn't his to love anymore.

000

**Crazy in Love**

_Remember when we were so crazy in love, Johnny? Or was all of that emotion something that I dreamt up in my imagination? Did I conjure it all up in my insane mind? _

She wonders all these things as she sees him moving down the docks with Olivia. She had thought they were broken up but there he was, talking to the older woman once again. Dante's mother of all people. There is something almost Greek tragedy-like about all of this and it makes her want to laugh. If only she could really laugh again and feel it warm her insides like it used to when Johnny would tease her or tickle her.

She moves towards the stairs then, trying to get away from the sight of Johnny and his girlfriend. She looks back once at him though because she can't help it and she notices he is watching her over Olivia's shoulder.

He offers her a little smile and she wonders if that is the smile of a man who used to be crazy in love with her and wonders where it all went wrong. She can't even remember now who said what or did what. How it all fell apart the way it had. Who had dealt the first blow. It doesn't even really matter anymore because she just knows that she misses him. She misses him so much that there are no words to express it. Not that she would ever say it aloud though. She has learned by now to keep her deepest feelings on the inside to present the right front - the front of sanity and appearing that she is okay with Johnny being someone else's whole world. But inside she knows she will never understand why they're over. Why they stopped being each other's reason for ... everything.

She sighs and drops her eyes from his and they both move away from each other, seemingly further apart than ever...

0000

**Danger **

"Franco's back in town," Johnny said as soon as Lulu had opened the door to her apartment.

"What?" Lulu asked, hypnotized immediately by the look in his dark eyes.

"Franco's back," Johnny repeated. "At least there are signs of him all over the place. Pictures of dead bodies showing up; bombs going off on Front Street ..."

Lulu swallowed hard. That nightmare had been the scariest of her life, strapped to a bomb, not knowing when her life was going to end, if she would ever see Him again. And here He was acting like he had a right to be here, intruding on her life, stirring up old memories and desires that had never quite ebbed away.

"Yeah, so what does that have to do with me? Why are you here telling me all of this?"

Johnny sighed. "You're in danger, Lulu. Someone has to be there for you."

"I am not in danger! And even if I was, I can take care of myself, Johnny!" she thundered.

"This guy is apeshit crazy, Lulu. You could be his target again."

"Could! You said 'could'. Which means there's no guarantee -"

He cut her off and she shivered at the intensity in his expression. "There is no such thing as a 'guarantee' in life but I am still going to protect you, Lulu. At least until we catch him. For good this time."

Johnny lightly brushed by her and dropped onto the sofa. "I'll sleep here."

"What the hell?"

"I will sleep on the couch," he said again.

"Why are you doing this, Johnny?" she demanded, crossing her arms. "You don't get to play the White Knight here. I have Dante now and he -"

"Is all tied up in Sonny's junk as usual so it's me or no one."

"I prefer no one," she lied.

"Well, too bad. You're stuck with me. Get used to it."

_**TO BE CONTINUED…**_

_**FEEDBACK PLEASE!**_


	2. E-H

_**Thanks to Johnny and Lulu for the review. I too miss Jolu so much. Hope you like this update. A little angst helps move the story. Things will turn around though soon enough, I promise.**_

**Everywhere But Here**

He was everywhere she went. In the hallway, in the breakfast nook, even at the office (which of course didn't go over well with her boss). She couldn't even shower without him pounding on the door and asking how much longer she was going to take. He was already under her skin again, making the blood throb in her veins, and causing her pulse to race. She had him with her but wondered how long he would be here before he went back to his "real life". The life he had built with another woman who wasn't her.

Maxie, her friend, her roommate, her best enemy, her confidante, had at first balked at the arrangement and Lulu had agreed that it was awkward as hell but that Johnny didn't appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.

One day, two weeks into Johnny's stay, Maxie pulled Lulu aside and asked when this was going to end.

"When is what going to end?" Lulu asked. "Oh you mean, when he is going away? I have no idea. Dante has even threatened him with major bodily harm and he still won't leave."

"No, Lulu, when is this little mating dance of yours going to end? When are you and Johnny just going to get good and naked and do it already? I can't stand the crackling tension anymore."

Lulu blushed at hearing Maxie's forceful suggestion. "I don't know what the heck you are talking about, Maxie!"

"Because you protesth too much, Lulu."

"No. No, I don't. I have Dante now and Johnny has Olivia and -"

"Are you sure about that? Because from where I'm standing, it seems to me that he is spending all of his time with you, Lulu! He does not look at Olivia the same way he looks at you, Lulu. Wake up and smell the cheap knockoff perfume you wear -"

"Hey!"

"The point is, Lulu, he loves you and you love him and I never should have tried to come between that. It was a mistake. A really big mistake but I promise that you'll be making an even bigger faux pas if you don't tell him how you really feel. Like, right now."

Maxie then turned and walked out of the room. No more than a minute later, Johnny was standing in the doorway. "Maxie said you have something to tell me ..."

"What?!" Lulu yelped. _Damn that Maxie!_

"She said it was important," Johnny said and leaned sexily against the door frame.

Lulu wet her lips and then sighed. She shook her head. "Johnny, she was wrong. I have ... I have nothing to say to you."

0000

**Forever Love**

_You'll always be mine, Lulu, always._

These were Johnny's thoughts as he watched Lulu bustling around the apartment getting ready for her date with Dante. He was thinking that he loved her forever, always, undeniably, no matter how hard he tried to fight it. If he could just find the right way to tell her...

But ever since the day Maxie had said Lulu had something to tell him and she had denied it, she had been downright cold and brusque with him. She went out of her way to avoid him and when they did meet up in the confiningly small apartment, she made it clear she didn't want him around. She tolerated him even less than before.

However, it was just them tonight until Dante showed up and he moved over to her when he noticed her struggling with the zipper on the back of her cranberry red dress. "Let me get that," he said and pulled her back into his body, settling his hands on her hips for a moment. She stiffened and sighed.

"Relax, I promise not to undress you unless ..."

"Unless nothing," she snapped. "Now hurry up and zip me before Dante comes and sees you breathing all over me."

As if on cue, the door opened and Dante was standing there. "What's going on here?" he immediately asked.

000

**Get Lost**

"What do you think is going on here?" Johnny asked with an irreverent smirk aimed in Dante's direction. "We were just enjoying the time we had away from you."

Lulu shook free of Johnny's grasp and forced her own zipper the rest of the way up. "It's not what it looks like, Dante. I mean..."

"Don't tell me that, Lulu. Was Johnny or was Johnny not pawing you? And were you or were you not letting him?" Dante asked, glaring at Johnny.

Johnny shook his head. Of course he had enjoyed taunting Dante about his relationship with Lulu, knowing that Johnny living here drove Dante crazy, but now Dante was taking it too damn far by implying Lulu was some kind of tart who gave out "special favors" all the time to men she was not dating. Lulu wasn't a slut like most girls Johnny knew and there was no way he was going to let Dante get away with even hinting Lulu was a tramp.

He started to advance on Dante, intending to hit the mini-cop where it really hurt, but Lulu had jumped between them, seeing Johnny's intent. "Johnny, put your fist away and Dante, don't you dare imply I would be unfaithful to you. You're the one who can't stop staring at magazine covers with -" Her voice trailed off. "Never mind ..."

Dante gritted his teeth as he looked at Johnny's eye light up in curiosity. He then turned back to Lulu. "Dammit, Lulu, now Johnny has the wrong idea about me. You shouldn't have -"

"Don't tell Lulu what she should and shouldn't do," Johnny spat at Dante. "She's a big girl. Go back to jacking off to some model's pictures and just -" He broke off in mid-sentence as Dante went to punch him. However, he sidestepped the punch and lightly moved Lulu aside so he could pounce on Dante in return.

He slammed Dante to the ground and began punching him in the face. Dante tried shoving Johnny away but Johnny was hitting him and wouldn't stop. He was hitting him out of jealousy, out of rage, out of the simple need to pulverize this little shit who dared talk that way to Lulu. He heard Lulu screaming at him and tugging on his shirt and finally he stopped wailing on Dante whose face was a bloody mess. Possibly his nose was broken as well.

Lulu looked at Dante, looked at the cop covered in his own blood, and Johnny without a scratch on him and she must have believed there was only one thing she could do. "Johnny, get lost," she said and dropped to her knees next to a simpering Dante.

"Lu-"

"You heard me, Johnny. Leave," Lulu said. "And don't come back. Do not come back. Ever. I mean it."

"Franco -"

"I can protect myself, Johnny," Lulu said. "I don't need you anymore."

She placed a pillow under Dante's head and then moved to the door, holding it open pointedly. "Go, Johnny," she said. "Please don't make me tell you again."

Johnny looked at Lulu and walked to the door. "This isn't over, Lulu. That's what you have to realize. It's never going to be over between us."

He gave her a look that he hoped communicated his true feelings and then he walked out.

000

**Heart**

"Get down from there, Lulu, please, before you fall," Dante said impatiently as he held his nose. They had spent the majority of the evening in the ER getting Dante's nose set while Lulu begged him not to throw the book at Johnny. They had finally made their way to Jake's and now Dante was getting impatient with Lulu all over again but she was getting too drunk to care what he thought right now.

"Nooooo," Lulu said, holding a beer up to her lips for a moment. "I am too damn wired right now to sit down."

"No, you're too damn drunk, that's why you're dancing on the bar."

Lulu peered down at her boyfriend from where she was trotting across Coleman's freshly swabbed bar. "What are you really mad about, Dunte?"

"It's _Dante._ And I had to have my nose set because of your crazy ex. Why do you think I'm pissed?"

Lulu waved her hand dismissively. She had consumed four beers too many by now but it was the only way she could try to dull the memory of the pain on Johnny's face when she told him to get lost and threw him out. "Yeah, yeah, DANTE. Are you really mad I'm making a fool of you_ supposedly _right now, or that Johnny broke your nose, or that he was touching me back at the apartment?"

Dante immediately stiffened. "I am just worried -"

"No you're just jealous but I promise - Girl Scout's honor - I have mooooooved on from Johnny Zacchara!" Lulu proclaimed.

"Really? Cause if you were over him, then you wouldn't be pulling this routine."

"What routine?" She asked, peering at him through blurry eyes.

"The whole 'good girls gone bad' shtick. You can't admit you're still in love with your cheating ex. That he's the one in your heart."

"I am NOT in love with Johnny Zacchara!"

"Yes, you are, Lulu."

"I am NOTTTTTTTTTTT!" she said again, this time at the top of her lungs.

"Then prove it. Get down off that bar right now and come home with me."

"But, Dante, I'm having funnnnnnn!" she said and kicked up her heels, nearly toppling off the bar in her drunkenness.

"See what I mean?" Dante spat. And then he turned and stomped out of Jake's leaving Lulu staring after him in shock.

Lulu sighed as Coleman walked over to her and helped her down from the bar. "Hey, girl, I think you've had enough tonight. Let me call someone to come take you home."

"There's no one."

"Dante mentioned Johnny Zacchara. I'll call him to come get ya ..."


	3. I

**I Love You**

"No, don't!" Lulu said. "Please don't call Johnny."

"I could call your copper brother instead but something tells me he wouldn't be thrilled to see you tanked like this," Coleman said.

"Call someone else, anyone!" Lulu begged. "I can't see him right now."

"Sorry, girl, I ain't exactly a big fan of Zacchara but I know he'll take care of you. And your dumb boyfriend just left you here. Someone's got to take you home. I would do it but I ain't that stupid to take on a girl as drunk as you."

Lulu shook her head and slid into the bar stool. She rested her head in her hands and felt tears burning the back of her eyes. She wasn't so drunk that she couldn't be humiliated that Johnny had to be the one to see her like this. She knew he wouldn't care if she was three sheets to the wind as Luke Spencer might say, but Lulu cared.

While Coleman went to make the phone call, Lulu wobbled over to the tap and poured herself a new drink. Liquid courage, they called it. She needed it right now.

She had downed nearly another drink by the time Coleman spotted her. He moved over and practically ripped the drink from her hand. "He's on his way. He's just up the block actually ... And damn girl, what are you trying so hard to forget?"

"Forget?" Lulu murmured.

"Yeah when someone who normally seems like such a level-headed dame gets this tanked, they're trying to forget something. Or someone."

"Yeah, Johnny..." Lulu murmured.

"What about me?"

Lulu steeled herself as best as she could when she heard his familiar voice and turned around surprisingly without tripping on her face. "I was just ... Nevah mind..." She waved a hand wildly. "You can go though, John. I can get my own self home."

"No you can't. Come on, Lu; for once - please - let me take care of you."

Lulu said nothing but wavered slightly as Johnny closed the distance between them. He hooked his strong around her waist and wrapped her right arm around his neck before practically lifting her up and carrying her out.

"I got to puke," Lulu said suddenly. "I think I drank too much."

"I would bet on it." Johnny set her down outside, right beside a trash can. He held back her hair with one hand as she emptied her booze-filled stomach and rubbed her back in soft circles with the other. She tried to pretend that that didn't feel so good but even through her muddled mind, she knew he still got to her. That no man made her feel this way when they were simply massaging her back.

Lulu pulled back and wiped her mouth on her shirt sleeve. "Yu-uck!" she said.

"Yeah. Now c'mon. Let's get you back to your place and tuck you in. You're going to have a hell of a headache in the morning."

"I already do," Lulu said and she wavered again and then Johnny was picking her up - literally lifting her off her feet - and carrying her to his car. She instinctively wrapped her arm around his neck and held onto him tightly as if she were afraid he would actually drop her. But she knew better. She definitely knew better.

Johnny tucked her into the passenger seat and then ran around to the driver's side. He double-checked that she was strapped in and then he started the engine. He looked over at her and offered her a little smile before pulling out of Jake's parking lot.

They drove the rest of the way in silence though it was a decidedly charged silence. There was so much they both wanted to say but no one spoke right then.

When they reached Lulu's apartment, Johnny helped Lulu out of his car and she leaned heavily on him as they went inside and climbed onto the elevator. He kept her tucked against his side and she appreciated the support. She was starting to sober up and she felt so bad about tossing him out earlier, screaming at him to get lost when he had only been trying to protect her, to defend her honor really. She should have said she was sorry right then but she was just too damn tired. It felt suddenly like all the energy had been sucked right out of her.

Johnny took the keys from her hand and opened the door. They stumbled inside and Lulu fell ass-first onto the sofa. She then curled up into a fetal position as Johnny pulled a blanket over her.

"Thanks, John," she said and then allowed her eyelids to slide shut.

He didn't answer but when she was drifting off to sleep, she thought she heard Johnny whisper, _"I love you, Lulu."_

_**Thanks for all the reviews thus far. Keep 'em coming.**_


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